From Founder/CEO to... Nobody
My return to purpose and your monthly guide to living a truly integrated life
I am returning, by no coincidence, for SPIRIT month. And Spirit, is what is bringing me home.
I’ve returned after a much-needed hiatus. I hit my breaking point at the beginning of the year. I tried to ignore, suppress, and avoid the voice telling me that I was getting off track, moving away from the sound structure of integrity. I was on the start-up grind and determined to make it work in any way possible. But “any way possible” was a far cry from the seed of purpose from which it began.
“DTC is the way. No, B2B2C is how we are going to do it. We need distribution channels. YouTube, Substack. Not Beehiive, Substack. You can’t make it without IG. Don’t forget about building community through in-person events. You are the expert, position yourself that way. That’s the only way.”
I was drowning in the endless internal and external dialogue of well-intentioned direction; outsourcing my authority to the experts. And I flat out, damn well, lost my way. One small degree at a time.
The Medicine Guides You Home
I’d been avoiding sitting with the medicine because deep down inside, I knew what it would bring. But after the final blow of an ending partnership, I knew I couldn’t take one step further without some clarity.
I sat with the Medicina and she showed me where I had lost my way. She showed me how I had switched into autopilot and kept building on a foundation that had long since lost integrity. Why had I started building TAP INtegration in the first place and how had I lost the plot?
What once moved with purpose and flow had gradually shifted to a creation of ego and fear. I watched myself let go and burn all I had worked so hard to create over the last five years—the identity I had built of Founder/CEO, how hard I had worked to “be someone.” She helped me understand that I don’t need any of it. I don’t need to be anyone. “Becoming Nobody,” as Ram Dass says, is what allowed me to let go and start again.
When did I start to believe that being a healer wasn’t enough?
Coming Out of It
I decided:
No more will I say yes to that which is out of alignment.
No more will I agree to projects that aren’t fully in line with my mission.
No more will I avoid sitting with the medicine to face my fears.
This year, I am doing less. This year, I am saying NO a whole lot more.
Starting again is unbelievably painful, but if the foundation has cracks, the whole fucking thing will crumble anyway.
Returning to the Core
What I returned to are the core principles that this project was built on:
Activate your mind. Know yourself, how you came to be who you are today, and then how to free yourself from that identity.
Activate your beautiful sphere of influence—your friends, family, loved ones. “What you get, give. What you learn, teach!” —Maya Angelou
Activate the World. With your newfound awareness, step into purpose, give back, be of service, and find meaning.
TAP INtegration and this newsletter(INtegrate) is here as always, to help you live an integrated life. What is next for us is still somewhat uncertain, but I promise you that as long as I have breath, and my feet walk this beautiful earth, I will continue to provide the tools and resources that have helped me to live an INtegrated life.
Thank you, beautiful psilocybin, for showing me my way home.
🌟 What We’ve Been Up To
Calling in the One Book Club
I started a Calling in the One book club. Shortly after completing it for myself, I met the love of my life; the relationship I thought was only possible in my dreams. We breathe, pray, meditate, move, dance, and grow together. We talk about our future children and the impact we are going to have. I couldn’t wait to hold a group with this magical book for others. If you haven’t read it, it’s a 7-week immersive workbook that will change your relational patterns forever! DM me if you want to chat about it!
Human Resilience Panel Series
TAP INtegration hosted a panel series on human resilience as the greatest superpower we have in the modern era. We continue to host and support facilitator meetups. DM me if you would like to join the next one!
Revolutionary Product in the Works
We have a product in the works that could totally revolutionize guiding journeys…stay tuned.
Moving Forward with Ease & Integrity
Again, only with ease and integrity will we move forward. Because I only desire to be of service, if this newsletter has served you or helped you in some way, please let me know. If there is something you would like to learn about or see more of, let me know.
🎧 Heart Medicine Playlist
Because I love sharing my JAMS, here is what I’ve been guiding my heart medicine journeys with:
As always, it’s an honor and joy to serve you!
With love and reverence,
Olivia Eden MacDonell
Founder, TAP Integration
P.S. Thank you, beautiful psilocybin, for showing me my way home.
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Beautiful post, Olivia. Being "the expert" can be exhausting and lonely. You framed your (and us, your fellow journeypeople's) mission artfully.